Resistance

There's the good kind of resistance (look around at the political climate these days) and then there's the bad kind of resistance. Like the kind that has me writing this post instead of practicing the piano. Or suddenly getting the urge to bake that cake that I've been meaning to try, or clean the house (which I have chronic resistance to as well - and often suddenly have to practice the piano in stead of scrub the shower clean!) or find myself feeling tired and foggy brained a few notes into my session.

What is that?!?

And then there's the bigger more serious resistance. Like, that book I've been talking about writing for over 10 years now, or the strange feeling that came over me when I went to check out the awesome Steinway piano that we ultimately bought, but have yet to meet since we have been traveling. (I know, good things are worth waiting for. )

It was love at first note! I knew this was the one. No doubt about it until the crazy thoughts started in my head.

"I can't possible get this piano."

"It's too expensive. It's not the right time."

And then more resistance.

"But how will we do this if we are going away? I can't do that to the lovely couple house-sitting our apartment. There will be other pianos.

But then kicker ......

I don't deserve such a nice piano.

That one stopped me in my tracks. That was the old tape rearing it's ugly head. The tape that lulls me into procrastinating and rationalizing my lack of completion of projects. The tape that has me holding back in performance - to give only so much but not all of it.

The tape that I still wrestle with. The one that says well, I'm deluding myself that I actually have something to say? What if I really put myself out there and fail?

And that's when it hit me.

Resistance, in whatever form it takes, is (false) protection. As long as I resist, I am safe. If I resist, then I don't have to deal with the scary questions like:

What if I'm not good enough?

What if I'm not loved?

What if I'm laughed at?

What. If. I Just. Suck?

If I stay safe and don't put myself out there and don't give it my all at the bench or on stage or write that book, then I'm not living my truth. Then I'm living small. I'm living what I think is someone else's truth. (projecting fears of what other's may think of my efforts, my art, my truth.)

So these days, when I practice the piano, and realize many measures in, that I've been thinking about something else, like paying my bills, or the proposal that I need to get out instead of actually focusing on practicing, playing pieces I already know, or simply can't get focused, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths and say this to myself:

Don't be afraid. Just have courage to do your thing. And the rest will fall into place. Just stay focused.

I'm learning to be gentle with myself and rather than give into these fears, work with them. Use them. And redefine the fear. Because I'm learning that my fear of not realizing my dreams is way stronger than the fear of failing.

So, I'm learning to resist resistance. One practice session at a time.

Now, I'd love to hear from you. What does your resistance look like? How do you push through?

XOXOXOX